# HNTBL: Illegal Food

By: TheDragonBoy

## Content

It was a pleasant day out in the park. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, people walked the paths and hungry predator bellies grumbled.

*grrrrg*

Hers included.

The bear woman flicked her claw through to the next page of her newspaper, only half paying attention to the actual words, hoping that someone would finally-

*sniff sniff*

Her nose caught them before her eyes. But after a minute or two she spotted a man, a human, approaching from downwind. She shifted slightly on the bench where she sat to get a better view. He was walking pretty slowly, and he hadn’t really seemed to notice her.

Continuing to skim her paper, she tracked his movements inconspicuously as he followed the nearby path. He just kept steadily ahead, first approaching her, then passing her by without so much as a glance. No one else seemed to be with him, and she’d clearly spotted where he was keeping his wand. Something about him did seem a little bit off, but she was hungry, so she brushed it aside.

She waited out a few more slow steps as he continued down the way, his back now turned in her direction. And then finally she put her paper neatly down on the bench.

But as soon as the pages left her claws, the man suddenly stopped still in the middle of the path.

Realizing she’d been noticed, the bear woman bolted from her seat and thundered across the green on all-fours. Her prey didn’t immediately react, which only increased her confidence. After all, his only hope of escape was for him to quickly reach his wand before she reached her lunch.

She put on some extra speed as she finally did notice some movement, but was quite confused a step or two later when she realized his actions were far from what she’d been expecting. The man put his hands not to his wand, but braced against the front of his legs, as his knees bent and his back arched forward. Leaning over heavily and staring at the ground, from his mouth came a rather off-putting sound, followed quickly by a flow of-

“Ewww!!” exclaimed the bear, digging in all four sets of claws to grind her charge to a halt. It was no easy task, being the massive predator that she was, and she ended up uncomfortably close to her ex-target. She turned her head sharply away, only barely managing to avoid plowing straight through the man and his mess.

The human gagged, coughed, panted and groaned. Finally actually noticing the predator who had almost devoured him, he spared her only an uneasy, weathered glance, like he was too preoccupied to be properly alarmed at the moment.

Gross, this guy is definitely sick, the bear thought, standing up straight if only to pull her snout further from the foul-scented scene. No way he’s going in my mouth. Though, with that now decided, the scent in the air quickly started to mix with an air of awkwardness.

Well, if she wasn’t going to be digesting him, then…

“…You need any help, mister?”

“I… ugh… Can you point me toward a bench?” he asked uncomfortably.

“Sure, there’s one over this way.” The predator pointed.

“T-Thanks,” he muttered weakly, but as he turned to follow her direction, the man grunted, put a hand to his gut, and-

“Whoa!” The bear rushed forward again, but rather than bowling her target over with a pounce, she grabbed him with her claws to keep him from falling over as he stumbled and groaned. “Goodness, what did you eat?”

…

His tail wandered with unnerved flicks as he read through the latest reports, fluttering between determination and dismay as he took in the details. Fresh off his election to the national council, he’d decided early on that he needed to find the right issue to tackle; something simple and supportable he could use to make a name for himself. And as the new head of agriculture, what better issue was there than the rumor that had been plaguing his own home town for years? It wasn’t until he’d actually started looking into it and gathering data that he realized he should have been taking those rumors a bit more seriously.

The sound of steps approaching his office door removed him from his reading. He took a breath and looked up from his desk.

Alright, Paul, he told himself, shifting into a more presentable posture, showtime.

“Mr. Tishon?” came a voice as his door cracked open. “He’s here.”

“Him first, huh?” Paul asked rhetorically. “Alright, send him in.”

The door opened wider, and ushered inside was a human man. He wore a polite smile and respectful stance, but he approached with perhaps slightly more confidence than one might usually have when summoned by a predatory politician in a position of power.

“Mr. Tishon,” the man said in greeting with a hint of familiarity, “good to see you again. How long has it been since I was in your class?”

“A good few years now,” Paul replied from his desk, glowing eyes fixed on his old student. “Glad to know you made it through high school. Are you enjoying your trip to the capital?”

“Sure. I’d thank you for the excuse to visit, but I think what I should really be thanking you for is this new job. I never thought I’d end up with a protected occupation, let alone as a government assistant.”

“Yes, well, as long as you’re working for me, you can consider yourself off the proverbial menu.” He pulled open a drawer, taking an item out and tossing it over his desk at the newcomer.

The man caught it without much trouble and seemed to marvel for a moment at what he now held, turning it over in his grip. Smooth and flexible material, fastened into a loop about the size of his hand. The outer surface glinted and gleamed noticeably around the inscription it bore. But the human hardly had the need to read it; everyone knew what one of these meant.

“Thank you,” said the man after a moment, as he undid the collar and clipped it into place around his neck. A clear symbol, visible from all sides, announcing his status as a creature with purpose and protection, too important to be treated as a casual meal.

“I’d take care of that if I were you,” Paul advised, half sarcastically. “They only let me give out so many of those things.”

“Of course,” came the determined reply with a nod. Now freshly motivated, the newly anointed man finally broached the question on his mind. “So, what kind of work do you have planned for me? I wasn’t really given too many details.”

“Well, I was hoping to have you both here so I could explain-” He stopped mid sentence. A second later and his human guest heard the approaching steps as well, and a second after that the door to his office opened again.

“Is she here too?” Paul asked, preemptively.

“Yes, Mr. Tishon,” came his secretary’s reply.

“Perfect, send her in.”

The door opened wider and in slithered a naga woman. She looked around the room with novelty, taking in the dressings of authority, before her gaze eventually settled on the man behind the impressive desk. Her focus lingered on him for a long moment, even locking directly onto his glowing eyes for a time. The way they seemed to almost sparkle…

Paul smirked very slightly, and simply let his own presence sit in the silent air for another second or two before he spoke up.

“Hello, Ms. Eddle. Thank you for joining us.”

She started mildly as she realized she’d been staring, and her tail made a single, sharp sound as it flicked reflexively.

“Sorry, sir. Not many demons where I’m from,” she apologized.

“Yes, that’s right,” Paul recalled. “I was one of the only ones there, wasn’t I?” There had been plenty of other reptilian predators in town, even several dragon families, but demons had a way of being particularly… disarming. Especially if one wasn’t used to seeing them. They could be almost as human-looking as vampires, if not for the horns, the tail, and the eyes. “…I suppose you didn’t have any of my classes, though I believe you were a student at the time.”

“You were a teacher at my school?” she picked up. “Huh, what a coincidence.”

“That’s right. Actually, Mr. Abodle and I were just chatting about that. He was a student there too. At about the same time, I think…”

Seeming to finally take notice of the third person in the room- who hadn’t said a word since she’d arrived- the naga flicked her forked tongue in his direction and gave him a once-over. It might have been his surprised and half-alarmed expression that tipped her off, or it might have been the vague sense of recognition in the back of her mind, but she flicked her tongue at him a second time, and then her eyes quickly went wide.

“Wait, I know you! We did go to school together. What was your name again…? Doyle.” The returning memory brought back with it an odd mixture of frustration and hunger, which subconsciously nudged her closer in the human’s direction.

He just barely flinched as she loomed a bit taller, some old memories surging behind his eyes, but not a moment later he gave a rather calm and sociable reply:

“Nice to see you again, Tammy. Wasn’t expecting to run into you here.”

“Yeah, well I-” The little smirk that had started to grow on her scaly lips fell right off the moment she took notice of the collar around the human’s neck. The air suddenly fell silent as wheels started turning in her head.

“Well,” interjected Mr. Tishon, claiming the opening, “what another pleasant coincidence that you two know each other. That should make things easier. Mr. Abodle, Ms. Eddle here is going to be your new bodyguard. She will be responsible for ensuring your safety while you carry out your work.”

The demon behind the desk noted their odd reactions, and the obvious air of unspoken words, but decided to move past it. They’d have plenty of time to catch up over the coming days. And besides, he had other work that needed tending to; best to get on with the briefing.

“Now, as for your assignment.” He set his glowing eyes on his new human assistant, and Doyle instantly focused up, listening intently. “I need you to investigate all these reports of people getting sick back home. It’s more than just rumors; I’ve got a huge stack of files here.”

Paul closed up the one he had been reading previously, put it atop the rest, and then pushed the entire pile in the man’s direction.

“Nausea, vomiting, fatigue, sometimes worse,” he continued. “Seems to be all humans, but the preds who end up eating those humans don’t have a nice time either. Evidence points to something wrong with the human food supply, and whatever that something is, it’s pretty widespread. People from all over town, all kinds of professions, even kids in school. I’ve got an entire bundle of letters from concerned parents asking me to ‘think of the children! What will they eat if all the human kids are sick?!’”

The demon took a breath to recompose himself.

“The difficulty is the reports cover a large area, but they’re also sporadic. It seems to happen at random. No one’s been able to pin down what’s causing it. That’s where you come in.”

“Isn’t that more of a job for some kind of doctor?” Doyle asked. His tone made it clear he wasn’t at all rejecting the task, more so just thinking it over.

“The doctors told us it was something in the food,” Mr. Tishon explained, “but they can’t tell us what food or where it came from.”

The human nodded in understanding.

“Your job is to figure that out and see if you can do something about it, or at least let me know why it’s happening. Think you can manage that?”

“Sure, I’ll do my best,” confirmed Mr. Abodle.

“Good,” replied his former teacher with a smile. “And as for you, Ms. Eddle, I don’t expect too much trouble, so this should be fine for your first assignment. Just keep him with you and make sure everyone respects that collar he’s wearing.”

“R-Right,” went the preoccupied naga, still glancing at her new charge.

“Alright then. Any questions? No? Good. Take these files and get going.”

… Years Earlier …

A rather pleased naga slithered through the high school halls. There was a fresh, squirming bulge in her tail that she could feel happily tickling her insides, and she was enjoying the way her coils flexed and pressed against said meal as she made her leisurely way toward her next class.

It was in this lofty state that her eyes happened to pass over a familiar young man, working to swap out textbooks at his locker. A human, whose scent her tongue knew well. Lips shifting into an excited smile, she shifted course immediately. Raising her humanoid half high off the floor, she made sure to loom nice and imposing before she brought her tail around and tensed its tip.

A long, sharp rattling filled the air between predator and prey, as the human suddenly flinched and spun around. She watched his eyes grow wide as he took in her mighty form, casting her serpentine shadow over him as she blotted out the ceiling lights. The wand on his hip was obvious, but this naga knew her quarry wasn’t particularly quick on the draw, and besides, she was far too close now. If he made a move, his mouth would be inside hers before he could utter a single syllable.

“Well, well, if it isn’t Doyle,” she mused through her smirk, letting her rattle dull as she continued to shift her body closer, boxing him in from the sides with her coils.

“Well…” The cornered boy took a breath, his initial shock starting to fade the more of her he took in. It was a response that irked her in a way she couldn’t quite describe. “Tammy, nice to see you again. I wasn’t expecting to run into you here.” His eyes flicked to the squirming bulge, as she brought that section of tail around to further cut off his escape. “You have a nice lunch?”

“Why yes, thanks for asking,” she replied, reasserting her teasing smirk and nudging the scaly bulge a bit closer so he could properly appreciate it. She’d tried to get him into a wiggling lump like that what felt like a thousand times now.

“How many times do you think we’ll meet like this?” asked the boy. “I wonder how many times it’s been already?”

“You know, I was just wondering the same thing,” the snake girl answered, ignoring his nonchalance. “I guess I’ve lost count by now, but I don’t think we’ll have to worry about that anymore. Not since this will be the last one.”

*GUUuurgle*

She felt her stomach clench around her current meal, sharing in the anticipation. The fact that he’d somehow managed to avoid her belly up until this moment, only made this present encounter all the more satisfying, especially as she slunk the tip of her tail around his back, pulling him closer and shifting her coils around him.

“Have you eaten two humans at the same time before?” Doyle asked.

“You know, I actually haven’t,” Tammy playfully replied. “But I’ve been looking forward to trying it.”

“You think you’ll enjoy it?” came the rather plain question.

“Oh yeah. I’ve heard it feels amazing. You ready to help me find out?”

Her coils now surrounded him from all sides, claiming him. Not that she was the constricting type, but she didn’t need to squeeze him to enjoy the look on his face, or the visual comparison of his body to the one bulging out the scales just to his side. …Not that his face was giving her much of a show. He was just sort of… staring at her. Calm and still.

“I don’t think it feels too great on the human side,” he replied. “But you don’t think it’ll be too heavy? What if I slow you down too much?”

The naga chuckled at this desperate attempt to talk her out of her second course. Who did this guy think he was?

“Oh, you’ll be heavy alright,” she agreed. “Nice and heavy and filling. And, sure, I’ll be slow, but who cares? As long as I get to enjoy slowly dragging your warm lump around with me.”

*squelch* *glorp*

“Now, why don’t I get you tucked inside my-”

*riiiiiing*

Beating out her rattle in both pitch and volume, the school’s bell sounded loudly in their ears, stopping the predator in both speech and action.

“Your teacher cares,” Doyle replied once the noise faded, answering her previous rhetorical question. “If you take your time trying to eat me now and drag me to class with you, you’ll be late, and your digestion probably won’t be as pleasant in detention. Especially if you end up being the one in a belly because you were too slow to dodge Garfeline.”

That smirk finally shattered into a full on glare. She was this close to finally nomming him! He was right there! Hers for the taking! AGAIN! But…

“Ugh!” She grunted with a roll of her eyes and pulled her coils away, spinning him like a top as she unwound from his body. With one last incredibly frustrated glare, she slithered off with her single-course lunch toward her next class at top speed. The last glimpse she got was of him just staring at her as he steadied himself again. Silently watching her leave.

What a creep! I can’t believe it happened again! How is that guy so LUCKY!? Every time I’m about to have him for lunch, something always gets in the way!

*gurgle* *squelch*

Whatever, one day his dumb luck is gotta run out. And when that happens, I bet he’ll taste delicious.

… Present Day …

The trip back home from the capital was uneventful and rather… quiet. Doyle spent his time reading up on the files he’d been given, and Tammy spent hers mostly grappling with, well, guilt.

Back in high school she’d been convinced that this guy was a creep with nothing going for him other than a ridiculous amount of dumb luck, and zero worth beyond his nutritional value. Even when she’d recognized him in Mr. Tishon’s office that had been her first assessment: another chance at a long delayed lunch.

But obviously she’d been wrong for all those years- or at least he’d clearly turned his life around since graduation- because now he was a protected human.

She’d spent her years since graduation training to protect people like him. Those rare humans who were so gifted or skilled or unique- so special- that no predator was allowed to eat them. Protected by the Council itself for their importance to society. The fact that she’d repeatedly tried to gurgle this one into snake pudge… well, it didn’t quite sit right in her gut, now that she was his bodyguard.

Digesting all this wasn’t easy, and honestly, part of her still couldn’t believe it, so once she’d worked through enough of the personal awkwardness, she tried to break the silence with a question that might help her convince herself.

“So, um, Doyle… Did you have to study a lot in college?”

Still quite focused on his reading, he replied in a casual, social tone, “Oh, um, no. I never went to college or anything.”

“Oh…” was all the snake said in return. In fact she was so bewildered that she let the silence return for another long while.

Tammy had assumed with almost certainty that some kind of higher education would have been required for a job like this. Maybe not just to be a Council member’s assistant, but certainly to be sent out as an investigator. Maybe he’d acquired his expertise another way? Like…? She considered it for a long while, but eventually just decided to pose another question.

“So… what did you do after high school?”

“I took a few part-time jobs,” came his answer. “I was a waiter most of the time.”

That one stunned her so badly that she didn’t even respond. She just sat there silently and tried to figure out how his answer made any sense. By the time she broke the silence again with her next question, they were just about home.

“How did you get this job?”

“Mr. Tishon asked for me, actually.”

“He asked for you personally? Why?”

“Well, we got along pretty well when I was in his class back in high school. And I’d bet having a human assistant is a good look for his position. He probably wanted to give the job to someone he liked.” The explanation was simple and casual. “It definitely works out for this situation: being able to send out a local human to investigate things when it’s other humans who are getting sick.”

No… came the growing thought of disbelief in her mind. It couldn’t be… This was just too much… They arrived home. His home. Now hers too for the foreseeable future. He showed her around and showed her to her new room, with her barely managing single-word responses as she continued to fixate on this inconceivable concept. The increasingly apparent, increasingly ridiculous circumstance she now found herself in. She coiled up in her new bed, and only after lying there for a time in total silence and solitude could she finally bring herself to accept it.

Doyle Abodle, the creepy human from her high school, had somehow lucked himself into being one of the rare few protected humans in the country, despite having absolutely no skill or qualifications whatsoever. And now she would be spending who knows how long following him around, living with him, with every opportunity to finally nom him, only for it to be literally illegal. And on top of that, it was going to be her job to make sure that no one else ate him either!

As the reality finally sunk in, she grabbed her pillow and shoved it over her face, barely resisting the urge to scream:

Ugh!! Why couldn’t I have just gurgled that guy in high school!?

…

Tam R. Eddle was not happy when she woke up the next morning. She wasn’t happy when she (literally) dragged herself out of bed. She wasn’t happy when she got dressed and went outside. She wasn’t happy when she found her personal belongings delivered neatly in a box by the door. She wasn’t even happy when she swallowed the whole turkey that had been delivered with them for breakfast. And she especially wasn’t happy when she came back inside to find Doyle.

His casual ‘good morning’ only seemed to irritate her more. But she held it all down, like a rowdy human in her gut.

He was quick to lead the way, having obviously given things some thought over the past several hours- for all the good that would do. Their first stop was the police station, where he showed off his new collar and got half the canines there to learn his scent. From them, he got a few more addresses to go with the names in his files, and from there they’d set off to crisscross the town.

Tammy silently followed along as he dragged her to dozens of houses, managing to find and talk with only about a dozen humans who had gotten sick in the past month- and one pred who had just finished turning one of those humans into gurgling chyme. (So much for Eric Stilen- a name which now had a bold strikethrough to go with it.)

Basically all the conversations went the same: Doyle would ask about their usual foods and if they’d had anything out of the ordinary before getting sick, and they’d all say something like, “I don’t think I had anything different, but I don’t really remember anymore.” Because of course they wouldn’t; who remembers what/who they had for lunch on a random day a month ago!?

Rinse and repeat for every house- at least the ones where someone was actually home midday.

Oh, and on top of that, most of the time, after getting basically zero new info that his files couldn’t already tell him, he’d sidetrack the whole thing and ask if they had any good recommendations for lunch, and the interview would devolve into pointless conversations about favorite restaurants and market stalls until someone finally said goodbye.

She’d asked him about that after the second or third round, and all he’d said was: “We should know where to go for lunch.”

Seriously?! This was their home town! He’d lived there for years and didn’t know where to eat!?

She tried to keep her cool, but the more she watched him waste their time the more frustrated she got. He was wasting her life. She’d trained for years, she’d left her home, her family behind to be a part of a special, extended live-in program. Months and months spent working to control her reflexes and instincts, her rattle, her fangs, her hunger. She’d dedicated herself to this; this was her dream. She’d dreamed of meeting those exceptional humans- the ones who literally kept the lights on- and finding out just how special they really were. She dreamed of the trust, the respect, the fulfillment. She imagined eating all the bad guys who dared come too close, and curling up at night knowing she was the reason everyone could still sleep soundly.

And now she was stuck with this!? With him!?

It was fairly late in the afternoon by the time they actually did stop for lunch, and it couldn’t have come a moment too soon for Tammy. Not because she was starving, but because she could hardly stand just keeping her mouth shut any longer, and at least gulping down the little portions of meat at this human restaurant gave her some outlet.

“Enough with these old report files, we should try to find some people who’ve been sick more recently,” Doyle casually decided aloud as they ate.

As if it had taken him most of the day to figure that out!? It was all Tammy could do not to scream in response. She tried her very best not to imagine that each mawful of meat she devoured was actually her sworn human charge, finally slipping down into her belly where he could no longer be of any trouble to anyone- least of all herself.

From there the pair made for the local hospital, and after a bit of explaining and waiting, they actually managed to secure a short meeting with a doctor. And for once, Tammy had something to do other than just listen to Doyle talk. Medical practitioners were some of the most well-known protected professionals around, especially the ones who could (and dared to) work on predators. Which meant the naga had a fellow bodyguard to chat with.

“So, you’re new on the job, huh?” came the question in their conversation.

“Yeah, first day actually,” Tammy admitted. Her experienced werewolf peer gave an encouraging grin.

“Oh? Well looks like you’re doing a good job so far.” She gestured to Doyle. “Doesn’t look like anyone’s eaten him.”

“Yuuup,” the naga replied, trying to hide her conflicted feelings on that fact. “So, um, what’s the job like for you?”

“Well, you know, follow the doc around, keep my eyes on her, ears perked, nose twitching, that kind of thing,” she explained with a smile. “I try to keep out of her way, but it’s hard not to want to get close when she’s working on an unruly patient. Preds on long hospital stays can get pretty hungry, since most of the humans around them are off limits.”

“Yeah, I guess that makes sense,” Tammy replied, yet her question still didn’t feel answered. “But I mean, do you like it? Like, you’ve been doing this for a while, right? How does it feel?”

The werewolf paused for a moment, clearly thinking back, then her smile broadened.

“One night, I was walking her home late after a long shift. This owl man swooped in out of nowhere, so quiet I couldn’t even hear him coming. I just barely managed to grab onto the doc’s leg and pull them both down. If I’d been even a little less focused, just half a second slower, that would have been it. The next day, another wolf woman and her cub came into the hospital. The kid was in really rough shape after a big fall in a bad spot- bruises, torn out fur, deep cuts. But my doc knew just what to do. She rushed in instantly and didn’t stop until she’d done everything she could. I got to watch that little pup go back home. And I remember thinking, if I hadn’t done my job, she’d be gone, and that little kid would have been too.”

There was a heavy pause, even as other chatter continued around them.

“I’m really happy I decided to be a bodyguard. And I’m really happy that out of all the humans around, I get to make sure she is safe. I don’t think there’s a more satisfying job out there.”

Tammy was speechless, her heart fluttering with hope, but crushed under an ocean of despair. This wolf was describing exactly what she’d been dreaming of! And it was so moving!

“Alright, thank you for your time, doctor. Come on, Tammy, let’s move on.”

And yet, there was reality, smacking her in the face. A reality named Doyle.

Doyle.

Why should she have to be stuck with him!? Anyone could go around asking questions like this! She could even do it herself! He wasn’t saving injured wolf pups! He wasn’t special! He didn’t deserve her protection!

She caught her tail giving a single rattle as they left the room and forced it still.

Barely keeping herself together, she followed her human through the halls a ways, until he turned into one of the rooms.

“Gwen Gerfried?” he called politely.

The woman waiting in the chair perked up and replied, “Yes?”

“I’m an assistant to Councilman Tishon. I have a few questions for you.”

“Oh, um, okay,” came the reply that Doyle didn’t wait for. He was already inside, pen to pad, ready with his first.

“You came in around noon, correct?”

“Yes. Like I told the doctor. I woke up feeling very sick. I was dizzy and nauseous. I probably would have come here sooner, but…”

The conversation carried on, just like all the ones before. He asked what she’d eaten the day before.

“Oh, all normal stuff, mostly,” and listed her various meals. “But I did treat myself for dinner. I went to Fang’s.”

“Oh? How was it?”

“Amazing. Almost brings my appetite back talking about it.”

“Yeah? You’d recommend it?”

“Totally. I’ve only been for dinner but I hear some people say their lunch menu is even better.”

*rattle*

Tammy stilled her tail.

“Thank you, that’s all I wanted to ask,” Doyle concluded, finishing a note. If he’d noticed the sound, he didn’t show it. Instead he just led the way back out of the room and started casually repeating some details. “That’s the only one who’s still here. They had two other similar cases stop by last night, but they left early in the morning. I do have their information, though…”

He went silent for a time, as the pair left the hospital and started away down the road. The sun was setting now; shadows growing long.

“…It might be worth visiting them now, but… we might be better off just going for dinner.”

That. That was it. That little remark was the absolute last that she could take. They happened to be walking past an alley between two auxiliary buildings for the hospital. Without a thought, Tammy shoved Doyle into the passage with all her weight, then stormed in after him. Her tail sprung to life like an angry siren, the sound imposing and aggressive like the naga herself, and she loomed tall over the meager form of the fallen human.

“Dinner?!” she yelled. “DINNER!? You know what? Maybe I should just have some dinner right now and then move on with my life? How’s that sound!?” The question was rhetorical, and laced with a venom which had a very real literal equivalent to back it up, but Doyle replied anyway.

“Tammy, you can’t-”

“You shut up!” she hissed. “I’ve heard enough of your fucking voice today! Listening to you play detective when you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing! I swear if it wasn’t for that collar I would have churned you into slop already! But you’re only here because you happened to get along with the right teacher in high school.” She lifted him up by the shirt. “You shouldn’t even have that collar! You don’t deserve it! You don’t deserve someone’s protection! My protection! I don’t deserve to have to waste my time guarding the snack I should have eaten five years ago.”

“Maybe you’re right!” Doyle’s voice was loud, but even. Not quite emotional, just raised enough to cut through her tirade. He stared into her eyes, the same way he’d been doing the whole time, pulse pounding, but somehow still dead calm. “Maybe you’re right,” he repeated again. “But you still can’t eat me now.”

She loomed taller, rattle growing louder, brow furrowing deeper, about to prove him wrong.

“You’ll never be a bodyguard again.”

Silence. Tammy’s tail finally stopped still, along with the rest of her body, her jaws just starting to part.

“If you eat the person you’re supposed to protect, you won’t get a second chance. We just came from the police station together. They will figure it out. No one will put any trust in you again. Do this now, and you’ll ruin yourself.”

There was a long, tense pause, with the snake woman still holding her human up off the ground, limbs dangling.

“You had your chance to speak up when we met in the capital. Now the best thing you can do is just do your job and let me do mine.” His words were neutral and controlled; not venomous like hers, simply factual. And then in the same tone, still suspended in the naga’s grip, he added, “Now, let’s go home. We’re done for tonight.”

…The air hung heavy.

…*thud*

“Fine,” went the angry snake, dropping her prey to the ground.

She turned and slithered back out of the alley, pretending not to care if he followed, but knowing that she couldn’t really afford to let her attention leave him. After all, it was dark now, and a good bodyguard didn’t let their charge become a dinner snatched away in the night.

…

“We’re going to the park.”

That had been the first sentence spoken between them since the events of the past night. They’d gone home, gone their separate ways, and when Tammy had gotten up in the morning, Doyle had been waiting by the door.

She didn’t say a word, just followed him outside with a faint scowl. There he went again, dragging her off on some probably pointless task, and not wasting a second doing it- ignoring the fact that everything he was doing was a waste of time. He could have at least had the courtesy to let her eat breakfast, but no, of course not.

“Okay.” Doyle said, coming to a sudden stop in the middle of the path. Tammy looked around, but didn’t spot anything odd or interesting, just trees and grass and pathways and people; usual park stuff.

“…‘Okay’ what?” the naga finally asked, breaking her silence.

“Go hunt.”

“…What?”

“Go. Hunt,” he repeated. “Don’t worry about leaving me, I’ll tag along.”

“But- Is that why you took us to the park? Why?”

“Everyone’s in a better mood when they have a full stomach.”

She rolled her eyes. “What? Do you think I-” She stopped the sentence before it left her mouth: I’m some rookie who can’t keep her hunger under control? A point she would have loved to make, except she had gotten very close to eating him yesterday.

*gurgle*

*sigh* “Alright, whatever.”

As much as she was loath to agree with anything Doyle said, she did find herself liking the idea of a nice, big, human breakfast. Finally taking the lead for once, she slithered ahead and listened for the sound of her charge following close behind.

“…I don’t get it,” she muttered, even as she scanned the park for potential prey. “You didn’t ask for a different bodyguard?” After last night, that’s more or less what she’d been expecting, but even before that. “You ‘had the chance to speak up’ at the capital too, but you just let it happen. Why?”

“Mostly for the same reasons as you,” he answered.

“And those are?” she asked, irked at the implication that he had any understanding of what her ‘reasons’ were.

“I wanted to give you a chance. It’s been a long time since high school. I saw you wanted to take your job seriously, and so did I. I didn’t want to count you out just because of how things used to be. And I also didn’t want to cause a problem for Mr. Tishon. Besides, any human would have to be nuts to be given a personal bodyguard and say anything other than ‘yes, thank you’. Ask for someone else? I’m lucky enough to have anyone at all.”

“You’re right about being lucky, at least,” Tammy muttered back, brushing past how uncomfortably accurate the rest of his assessment had been. “Even back in school, every time there was always something to save your skin. How that works? I wish I knew,” she complained bitterly.

“Do you actually want to know?” asked Doyle. It sounded almost like a warning, as if she might not like the answer. But to her the implication almost made her chuckle; like, what, he somehow had some hidden secret to the universe in his back pocket that put fate on his side?

“Heh, yeah, sure,” she scoffed. He took that as a yes.

“You were kind of obvious,” he said bluntly. “It was always easy to know when I actually needed to avoid you or fight back, and when I didn’t have to bother.”

“Excuse me,” Tammy hissed, half turning back to glare at him. “You’re saying I’m too obvious!? That I’m a bad hunter!? Cause I’ve got hundreds of humans like you on my figure that say otherwise.” For a predator, learning to be discrete came early. It was the kind of thing little kids struggled with! How dare he-

“You’re going after that guy, right?” Doyle asked, before she could continue. She followed his finger and looked forward again, toward a man with his back turned not too far away.

“Y-yeah, so?” came her retort- but with her voice low so as not to alert her quarry. “You know I’m here to hunt and you’ve been watching me the whole time. Of course you can tell which person I’m moving toward. But to everyone else I’m just a girl taking a slither through the park,” she insisted.

“And when you reach him, you’re going to get close and then snap him up, right? Snatch him before he can stop you?”

“What’s your point?” she asked. He was describing the fundamental hunting tactic of basically every predator she could think of.

“You’re not going to talk to him. You’re not going to rattle at him, get him to run so you can chase, or slowly creep closer while he cowers. You’re not going to tease him; you’re going to eat him.”

Tammy didn’t have an immediate response for that one, so after a moment he took that as a sign to keep going.

“You’re right, you’re not a bad hunter. But you like to play with your prey, a lot of predators do. When you want food, you hunt, when you want something more interesting, you play. I just had to keep you talking, keep you playing, and keep my distance whenever you seemed actually hungry. You know, you were actually helping to keep me alive, even back then. Even though it was still terrifying, every minute you spent toying with me was a minute I knew no other predator was considering having me for lunch. Maybe I should thank you for being so easy to read?”

The naga felt a steadily rising swirl of complicated emotions as she listened: embarrassment, defiance, insecurity, indignant frustration, and perhaps even the tiniest hint of remorse. Above all, she was furious at herself for not realizing all that years ago, and she was furious at him for laying it all out like it was the most obvious thing in the world, like she was some child who had to be shown-

“Your breakfast is turning around.”

She’d lost her focus and slowed down, and at almost exactly the wrong time. Close enough to be conspicuous, but not quite close enough to coil and pounce.

“Shit!” Locking her serpentine eyes back on her prey, she surged forward at top speed. She watched him turn around, watched him make eye contact with her for the briefest of moments, and then watched him leap forward into a sprint. She leapt after him.

*thud*

“Ahh! No! Let go of me!”

It had been close, but she’d managed to land her hands around his ankles as he fled, bringing him down at the expense of dragging her top through the dirt. Without a moment to waste, she splayed her jaws wide and shoved his feet, shoes and all, straight into her gullet.

*gulp*

“No!!” cried the man, finally remembering in his panic to reach for his wand.

It had only taken him maybe two seconds for the thought to hit him. Unfortunately, that was just long enough for Tammy to bring her tail around and slam it over his waist, blocking his fingers just before they could grasp the wooden rod.

“Ugh!”

*gulp*

She worked her lower body under his, wrapping herself around her prey to secure his flailing limbs, as she guided more of her bulky breakfast between her jaws.

“Stop! No! Stop!”

The human’s struggling legs made frantic, shifting lumps in the snake woman’s throat, her chest bouncing slightly with every attempted kick. But the hungry, angry predator did not stop, she only drew him in further.

*gulp*

*gulp*

There was a shared feeling of finality as Tammy’s teeth approached her meal’s hips, and she lifted the man smoothly off the grass, never to touch ground again. Her coils were slipping off of him now, rather than piling on, as more and more of her prey sank into her gullet. His arms reached out frantically, grasping at nothing, staring off into a disappearing world that he would soon-

“Wait!”

…That had not been her prey’s voice. Well, not her current prey, anyway.

Doyle, having caught up to his bodyguard, suddenly ran in front of her and called out again.

“Wait! Hold on!” He quickly flipped through his notes, settling on a picture and then stepping in close to the other man’s face to get a good look. “Are you Clint Eries?”

“I- Am I-? Y-Yes! Yes!” He nodded vigorously with recognition, like his own name had nearly disappeared down the lengthy gullet already, but he’d pulled it back. The act of being recognized by another human filled him with a surge of hope and relief.

“You were sick three weeks ago, right?”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? Tammy felt her fangs flex against her meal’s back, not from intent, but simply as a reaction from her sheer rage. She let out a piercing rattle, glaring at her charge. This whole hunt had been his idea! And now he was interrupting her in the middle of her meal, to do another blasted interview!? Forget that!!

*GULP*

“Ahh!”

With a slurp and a jerk, her food was in just about up to his belly.

“Tammy,” said Doyle, all too sternly and calmly, raising his voice above her rattle. “This is the whole reason why we’re here, come on.” Then, shifting his address to the man in her mouth. “Can you answer some questions for me?”

“Yes! Yes of course!” He sounded desperately willing, so Doyle wasted no time and started putting pen to pad.

Meanwhile, the naga wasn’t listening to a single word, instead she was glaring daggers, fangs and claws at the infuriating, intolerable, poor excuse for a human being who dared to so blatantly disregard her. Begrudgingly, bitterly, barely holding herself back, she held her prey in her gullet against the sweet call of her empty stomach.

To his credit, Doyle did at least make this much quicker than most of his previous encounters, but Tammy was far beyond granting credit.

“Thank you, this will be very helpful,” said the collared man, withdrawing his attention completely from the conversation to finish his notes.

A very muffled “FINALLY!” vibrated up around the half-swallowed human, who felt the gullet holding him hungrily spring to life once more.

“W-Wait! Wait! Mister!”

Doyle might not have even reacted if not for the hand landing on his shoulder, which made him look up almost as if he’d already forgotten the other person was still there.

“You’re letting me go, right!? I helped with your questions! T-Tell her to spit me out already!”

“Oh, um…” He glanced up into Tammy’s eyes.

*GULP*

“I’m sorry,” Doyle said, returning his gaze to his doomed acquaintance, “she wouldn’t listen to me even if I tried.”

“No! NO! You have to help me! You have to-”

*GULP*

The man, jerked back into the gaping maw, clenched his grip like a vice around Doyle’s arm.

“-have to get me out of here! I don’t want to-”

*GULP*

Unable to pull away, a second flailing hand found Doyle’s other arm and latched on just as tight. And as one man was pulled inward between the looming fangs, so was the other.

“Please! Make her stop! Make-”

*GULP*

“Tammy?”

He dropped his pen and pad as his arms were jerked upwards toward her maw.

“Come on!! Please please PLEASE-!!”

*GULP*

The man’s head slipped into the hungry, fleshy abyss, reducing his pleas to muffled screams, even as his limbs still pressed out past the stretched cheeks and his knuckles continued to grip blue.

“Tammy?”

*GULP*

All that was left of Clint Eries disappeared into the eager throat, and suddenly Doyle felt the wet, conforming confines of his bodyguard’s maw, as his own arms were pulled firmly inside as well, trapped in the iron grip of her desperate meal.

His eyes went wide and he looked up into hers.

“Tammy!”

*GULP*

A kaleidoscope of red folds rushed forward to meet him, as the powerful predatory gullet pulled him forward with all its strength. He felt his head wedge all too easily into the opening of the naga’s throat, and felt his arms plunge deep into the voracious reaches beyond, far past the realm of life and mortal safety, to the entirely separate world within where the other man, now rightfully called breakfast, was now being entombed in living, brutal nature. A world that now felt far, far too close, with the foreign fingers of that already ingested meal still gripping tightly around him, squelching saliva now working its way between each desperate digit.

For a moment, the only sensation that Doyle Abodle could register was the squelching and thumping in his ears, as her maw flexed and his heart pounded. And then there was the sensation of hands around his sides.

*GULP*

The same saliva that had so deftly aided in Clint’s sealed fate, now proved to be Doyle’s salvation. He felt the throat’s intense pull on his arms, held back from its further embrace by the grip around his torso, and the frantic fingers of the naga’s fresh feast finally slipped away, disappearing into the slick gullet forever.

Tammy pulled Doyle out of her mouth and dropped him to the ground next to his pen and pad. Her scowl had cooled to a dull glare, concealing something that was maybe a distant cousin of remorse. The sizable lump, which had very nearly been a lot larger, slipped with apparent effortlessness deep into her serpentine body, now that she was no longer holding it back. It settled into place with a muffled squelch.

The remaining human, collar damp with drool, glanced from the squirming, human bulge, up to the predator’s face. His pulse was pounding.

“If you were hoping that getting someone into my gut would make me too full for you, you should know I’ve had plenty of two-course meals since high school. I’ve got more than enough room left.”

Despite her threat, she watched the terror and relief in his eyes slowly starting to fade, retaken by a calm determination that had never quite left. He took a few, deep, panting breaths, and then he wiped his hands on his pants, retrieved his pen and pad, and stood up.

“Good,” Doyle replied after a moment. “I’m counting on it. There will be more to eat today.”

Tammy scoffed. “Whatever, we’re going back home first. I have to change my clothes.” She brushed off some grass clippings that still clung from her botched pounce.

“Yes,” her human agreed. “I need a shower.”

…

It was an empty threat. She knew it, he knew, and now she knew he knew it. As upsetting as it was, Doyle was right: Tammy couldn’t eat him. No matter how much she might want to. Not without ruining her own life along with his. She’d just have to accept it: this was her life now- at least for a while. She’d just have to do her job and guard the little gut-filler, whether he deserved it or not, and just hope she got reassigned sometime soon.

And so Tammy resigned herself to following her charge around. She dragged her gurgling tail up and down streets, numbly listening as he interviewed more and more people, until finally he remarked that it was time for lunch.

Which brought them to a busy part of town, and a rather upscale looking restaurant.

“Fang’s?” Tammy asked. “A bit pricey, don’t you think?”

“Sure, but I’ve gotten a lot of recommendations for it recently.”

“Of course you did, everyone knows this place.”

“Exactly.”

“Wait, you don’t seriously think-” But before she could finish her question Doyle was already through the door, and she decided to hold her tongue. He walked right up to the vampire host, and was greeted with the smooth, composed tone of someone well versed in service.

“Hello sir, ma’am.”

“Hello, I’m the personal assistant to Councilman Tishon.” He adjusted his collar to make sure the inscription was clearly visible.

“Oh, I see,” replied the well-dressed predator. “Would you and your bodyguard prefer to dine privately?”

“No, actually, I was hoping you could give us that table there.” Doyle pointed to a spot that was currently being cleared, positioned just about in the center of the large dining area. It wasn’t their biggest table, but it was certainly over-sized for a party of two. The host seemed to consider the request for a short moment, likely against the demands of the lunch rush, but after only a second or two, he gave his reply.

“Of course, we’d be happy to accommodate you.”

With a smile and a wave, the vampire led the human-pred duo over to their chosen location and had them seated. Tammy was happy to find that she had ample room under their table to let her coils unwind, and stretch her busily burbling belly. Doyle took a seat at the opposite end, which was probably the most tactful decision he’d made since they’d been paired up. Around them were individuals and groups spanning a wide range of species, fitting for a popular establishment with a reputation of excellent service and selection for both humans and predators.

They were given their waters and left alone with their menus. But Doyle hardly looked at his for more than a second. Instead, the human turned straight around in his chair, toward the nearest other table, and called out at a reasonable volume:

“Have either of you eaten here recently?”

The human couple, previously minding their own business, was a bit startled by the intrusion, but after a moment, the woman spoke up.

“Um… we were here a few months ago,” she offered, confused. Doyle considered for a moment, then asked a follow up.

“Was there anything off about the food? Did you get sick afterwards?”

“N-no?” came the reply, now even more confused, and maybe also a touch concerned.

“That’s fine, then. Thank you.”

Without taking any more time, he turned back around, picked up his menu and his glass, and stood from his chair. Walking a few steps around the table, he picked a new seat and made himself comfortable. Tammy shot him an odd look, but he gave her no real reaction.

No sooner had he sat back down, than he’d turned right around in his new chair, and started talking to the man in the suit behind him.

“Sir, have you eaten here recently? Maybe yesterday?”

The well-dressed diner, with a forkful of food already halfway to his mouth, suddenly found himself interrupted, and glanced awkwardly toward the question.

“Why, yes, I did,” the fellow replied skeptically.

“Perfect,” said Doyle with a spark in his eyes. “What did you get? Was there anything wrong about it? Did you feel sick at all afterwards?”

“W-well of course not,” the man said indignantly. “I’ll have you know the salmon I was served for lunch yesterday was perfectly exquisite, just as always.”

“What are you doing?!” Tammy whispered, half-hissing.

Doyle turned back around, not to answer his bodyguard’s question, but because their waiter was quickly approaching.

“Good afternoon,” said the vampire, “have you decided what you’d like to order?” He spoke politely, but there was a subtle hint in his voice and in his expression. A distinct implication directed toward someone that certain behavior needed to be improved.

“Tammy?” asked Doyle, as he quickly scanned down the menu himself.

The naga considered the state of her stomach, nicely stuffed with fresh human, only just starting to digest. But she hadn’t been lying when she’d said there was still plenty of room in there, and how often did she have the excuse to eat here?

“I’ll take a mouse bowl,” she replied after a moment.

“And I’ll have whatever yesterday’s most popular dish was.”

“Very well.” He took their menus. “Please, enjoy the soothing ambiance while we prepare your meals.”

The polite predator walked off. Doyle looked around the room noticeably. Tammy rolled her eyes, but she’d already taken stock of the other people sitting around them- like any good bodyguard should. There were no other tables adjacent to theirs currently seating humans, so her wannabe investigator would just have to sit down and shut up.

Doyle grabbed his glass and stood up.

The naga stared in disbelief as he walked clear around to the other side of their table, and picked yet another new seat, just a short distance from a bear woman, devouring a stack of steaks.

“Doyle,” she whisper-hissed, “don’t-”

“Excuse me, miss? Do you eat here a lot?”

Tammy restrained her rattle as the feasting bear gulped down her mouthful of meat, then turned to the dung-brained human who clearly hadn’t learned not to interrupt a predator when she’s eating. Luckily, this one reacted a lot more sociably than Tammy had.

“Me?” the bear asked, seeming a little embarrassed. “No, it was just yesterday and today,” she replied, assuming this man must have seen her that past day. (Why else would he be asking a question like that?) “I know it’s a bit much to have lunch here twice in a row, but I was really craving more of this.”

“So it was good, then?” Doyle asked.

“Oh, very good.” The bear licked away a touch of drool in anticipation of her next mouthful.

“Did you notice anything off about it at all? Anything weird or different about what you ate here yesterday?”

Tammy was about to step in- or slither in- with an apology and let this nice lady finish her meal before she decided to make Doyle a part of it, but then the bear’s expression shifted.

“…Well…”

“Yes?”

“…I did think some of the steaks smelled a little funny,” she admitted hesitantly. “But that’s probably just the fancy preparation here or something. Everything still tasted amazing.”

“Funny?” Doyle repeated. “Could you be more specific? What did it smell like? Was it-”

*ah-hem*

The protected human felt a protective tail-tip wrap around his ankle as the vampiric waiter cleared his throat sternly and stepped directly into line of sight.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to refrain from bothering other patrons while they’re dining. If you have concerns with the quality of our offerings, you are more than welcome to take them up with our kitchen staff, or to simply take your business elsewhere.”

Tammy squeezed Doyle’s leg. Not because she thought this upstanding vampire would try to eat a protected human customer in the middle of lunch service, no. It was just that he obviously wasn’t responding to the social pressure, so she wanted to add some physical pressure to help get the message across.

Doyle’s eyes darted off somewhere for a moment, then returned to the wait staff.

“That won’t be necessary,” he replied.

The vampire nodded- with a pointed look- and then once again walked off to tend to his other tables.

The naga watched her human intently. At first he didn’t even look back toward the table, he kept looking off in that bear’s direction as she awkwardly returned to her lunch. Finally, he did start to turn back around, but very slowly, almost as if he was… watching some-

Tammy quickly glanced away, trying to follow his line of sight, but just a moment later, she felt something both unmistakable and inconceivable.

Doyle stood up, but found his legs bound to his chair by his bodyguard’s coils.

“Would you mind, Tammy?” he asked.

“Wha- No!” she whissspered. “Enough musical chairs! Didn’t you listen to that vampire!? You’re gonna get us thrown out- or worse!”

“I’m not changing seats again, I’m going to the bathroom.”

“…Oh. …Okay then, let’s go.”

She unbound him and then shifted off her own seat, following behind closely- naturally, being a well-trained bodyguard. They made for the restroom signs, and she noticed a badger exiting from the door.

Good, hopefully there are no other preds in there right now.

Of course, it was just her luck that, as they were getting close, a werewolf walked in before them. Doyle didn’t seem to notice, keeping up a steady pace and then reaching for the handle right up until Tammy held him back.

“Maybe you should wait a minute, there’s a predator in there,” she told him.

“Yes, a wolf, I saw.” He pulled lightly against her grip, but naturally it was a useless attempt.

“So just wait till he leaves. It’s the men’s room, I can’t follow you inside.”

“Tammy, I need you to let go, now.” He shot her a look. She glared back and then scoffed, but released him as requested. That’s when her anger was interrupted by an epiphany.

Why am I even trying this hard to protect him!? I want him gone, don’t I? Sure, I can’t do it myself, but if he’s dumb enough to literally ignore my advice and get eaten by someone else? It is my first assignment, after all. I’m sure I’ll be fine. Especially if I catch the one who got him and turn them in.

She watched Doyle give that long, creepy look of his again, like he was staring straight into her, and then he simply looked back to the bathroom door, and stepped inside.

Stalls lined one wall, urinals the other, and standing at one of the latter was the canine of concern. The protected human adjusted his collar, making sure it was visible, then headed over to the sinks and simply waited.

It took only a few seconds before the wolf concluded his business, a second more to turn and start walking over to wash, and a moment longer to notice the human just standing in his way, conspicuously uninvolved in any common restroom activities. Ears folding back and tail going stiff, the now suspicious canine raised a brow and asked:

“You need something, buddy?”

“When I was talking with the bear woman, you overheard us,” said Doyle. He’d noticed the wolf sitting at the next table over, and he’d noticed the canine ears perk up at the mention of that ‘funny smell’. “You ate here yesterday too, right? And you remembered something.”

“W-well, yeah,” admitted the predator, more than a little creeped out. “I remembered noticing some kind of scent on the steaks too. I was kind of surprised to hear someone else mention it. Why? Who are you?”

“I’m the personal assistant to Councilman Tishon. What kind of scent was it?” Doyle pressed.

“Oh! Um, well I’m not really sure, I couldn’t quite place it. But don’t worry, it was really, really faint; I doubt even most preds would notice if it wasn’t right under their nose. Plus, now that we’re talking about it, I’m sure I’ve eaten meat with that scent before at some point. It’s probably natural.”

Doyle looked unblinking into the wolf’s eyes for a moment, before finally replying with a simple, “Thank you, have a nice day.”

The rather uneasy canine, after watching the man turn and leave, continued to stare at the door for a few seconds, before shaking off the odd encounter and continuing on to wash his hands.

Upon exiting the bathroom, the first thing Doyle saw was his bodyguard’s rather impatient face, and the second thing he saw was a pair of the vampiric staff walking directly toward them, looking even less patient.

“Ugh, what did you do now?” Tammy muttered in complaint as she noticed the approaching pair.

“Sir,” came the pointed address through equally pointed fangs. “We will not tolerate you spreading denigratory rumors regarding the quality of our cuisine amongst our clientele. Now you will either refrain from speaking to another soul in this establishment or, Councilman’s assistant or otherwise, you will be escorted from the premises. Are we clear?”

Doyle opened his mouth, but Tammy- rather wisely- didn’t give him the opportunity to reply. After all, this was a nice restaurant, and she for one wanted to be able to return.

“If he opens his mouth again to do anything other than take a bite, I’ll shove him in mine,” she promised. The vampire shifted his gaze to her, hardly seeming placated at all.

“Might I remind you that the consuming of other guests is also strictly disallowed. Especially protected humans.”

Tammy’s face fell to a new low. “Trust me, sir, I’m very aware of that fact. What I mean is that I’ll personally see that he stays quiet, for his own good.”

“Very good. Now, if you return to your table, you’ll find your meals will be brought out shortly.”

The naga shot her charge a glare as the pair of vampires withdrew and allowed them to return to their seats. She physically sat him down in a chair- the one furthest from any other tables- and then picked one for herself as far away from him as she could get.

“…I should have realized vampires would have been able to hear us, even in the bathroom,” he said, sounding almost like an apology. “I should have run the water at least to try and-”

The tip of Tammy’s tail came up from under the table and wrapped itself deftly around his head, covering his mouth. Her rattle sounded softly directly next to his ear.

“No more talking until we’re done eating.”

…

“Well, that was a disaster,” Tammy muttered, as soon as she figured they were out of earshot of the unhappy vampires whose restaurant they’d just finished disrupting.

“Actually, I think that went better than we could have hoped,” her ill-behaved human remarked.

“What are you talking about?! We’re lucky if they ever let us back in there, and for what?! You didn’t manage to find a single new person who’d been sick to interview!”

“Right,” agreed Doyle, “preds aren’t getting sick.”

“Preds-? What are you talking about? We already know preds aren’t getting sick! That’s why they sent out a human to go figure out what human food is making all the humans sick.”

“Right,” agreed the human again, “which is probably why no one has figured it out yet.”

“Because they sent you? Well, for once I think we’re on the same page.”

“No, because it isn’t ‘human food’ that’s causing the problem. It’s meat.”

“Meat!? Wha-? How could it be meat if preds are eating the stuff all the time and we’re perfectly fine?”

“Tammy, you have an entire person in your stomach right now, complete with shirt, pants, shoes, and whatever he’d been stepping in at the park. If I ate half the stuff you do ‘all the time’, I’d be dead, not just sick.”

She rattled slightly at the unflattering implications about her diet.

“My point is, pred stomachs can handle a lot more than ours can.”

“Okay, fine. So it ‘‘‘‘‘could’’’’’ be meat. But I still don’t get why you- Wait, this is just about that bear woman you talked to, isn’t it?” Tammy accused, narrowing her serpentine eyes. “You’re just trying to convince me you had some ‘genius’ reason to go bother her. Even though we both know you were just desperate cause you ran out of humans to pester.”

“No, it’s true, I was just desperate because we ran out of nearby humans,” Doyle admitted candidly. “I didn’t want to just sit around, and I was hoping a predator’s senses might have at least picked up on some kind of clue we could follow.”

“So you’re telling me you’re ready to throw out the entire idea that human food is the thing getting the humans sick, all because one pred lady told you she smelled something a little funny in her lunch one day? That just sounds like a random coincidence!”

“Except the wolf said the same thing.”

“I-…What?” Tammy asked. She was more than ready to dismiss his entire crazy theory, but that last new detail forced her to give at least a little pause.

“In the bathroom. He told me he’d smelled something in the meat too. And they both said it was yesterday during lunch.”

“That… is just a few hours before those humans ended up in the hospital,” the naga added, unable to help noticing another piece fall into place. The surprise dulled her rage, but the fact that he was starting to make sense only frustrated her in new ways.

“At the same restaurant where we know at least one of those humans had lunch the day before.”

That… Ugh! How does he actually have a point!? And it would explain why no one else has been able to solve this yet. Wasting their time only investigating humans and their specific food, instead of also talking to-

“…Wait… How did you know you had to talk to that wolf?” Tammy finally asked, realizing that predator had been the reason behind her charge’s insistent bathroom visit, rather than an obstacle. He’d even gone so far as to put himself in a vulnerable, isolated position for it- directly against her advice, she might add.

“The way he reacted when the bear was talking. I could see it in his face. The moment she mentioned the smell, he was alarmed, then even a little guilty.” Doyle paused, thinking back over the restroom conversation. “He wants to convince himself it was nothing. But he knows there was something wrong with yesterday’s lunch.”

Tammy thought back to what her human had said in the park; what he’d told her about herself. That creepy feeling. The way he’d seemingly read her like she was just another of the files he carried. Was he just doing that to everyone all the time?

“Whatever this is, it’s happening all over town,” Doyle continued. “I’m sure neither of us think all those shops and restaurants, including those vampires, are all messing up their meats independently.”

He paused just long enough for the naga to think for a moment and mutter a, “No…” with a tone that showed she’d caught on to what he was about to say.

“Then it’s pretty clear where we need to go next.”

…

“Excuse me sir, I need to ask you a few questions about your meat-” The rather forward, blunt human was interrupted by a naga, coiling hastily around his body and covering his mouth.

The ‘sir’ in question, a well-built fox with a rather large game animal dragging limply in tow, looked first startled, then annoyed, then confused. For a moment he half expected the snake girl to claim a nice dinner, but instead she just addressed him, her tone impolite in a completely different way.

“Sorry about that,” Tammy offered, suppressing the anger in her voice as she pulled Doyle out of the busy fox’s way. “Excuse us.”

Dragging her human away from the main road and out into the nearby treeline, she resisted the urge to squeeze him in frustration.

“Seriously, Doyle! I’m really getting sick of this!” She’d been watching him pester predator after predator with insulting questions for hours now, practically dying of shame-by-association as each one glared in her direction, and not to mention the immense frustration every time she saw one of them size him up and then think better of it. “You keep this up and all you’re going to do is piss off some hunter enough to gulp you down, and piss me off while you’re at it, dragging me all over this place! Is that really what you want!?” She finally released him with an angry grunt.

The tight embrace of scales was not something the human was at all used to, and it took him a moment to recover before managing a reply. Though when he did it was, no longer surprisingly, in a fairly composed and level tone.

“No. I don’t want either of those things. I just want to do my job the best I can. Like you used to want to do yours.”

“What was that!? I’ve been trying to do my job this whole time! But someone keeps ignoring my advice!” she shot back. But something in his eyes told her that he knew: she’d been hoping for one less body to guard. “What do you know about being a bodyguard, anyway? You don’t even know anything about your own job,” she added in a spiteful grumble.

“I know Mr. Tishon is counting on me,” Doyle replied, putting a hand to his collar and straightening it from her previous outburst. “I know all the humans in town are counting on me. And if I can’t help but ‘piss people off’ no matter what I try to do, at least I’m doing it for a good reason now.”

She groped for another retort but found her throat empty.

“Ugh! Whatever! I’m taking a break! Stay here and keep your mouth shut for five minutes.” And off stormed the naga into the woods.

He watched her go, silent and observant, then let out his breath.

Fine. Five minutes.

Doyle sat down against a tree and pulled out his papers. He hadn’t come unprepared, he’d actually made a considerable detour to put together files on most of the hunters out here. He’d spent all of the previous afternoon and evening- yet another effort which had drawn plenty of complaints from his ‘protection’.

The trouble was, hunters were often out in the field- or woods, as it were- tracking and claiming their next kill. Most of his intended targets had been out targeting prey and there was no telling who would be back when. So he’d ended up getting a bit desperate again, just resorting to questioning whichever professional predators he could find.

But the fact was, there were dozens and dozens of these meat houses here on the edge of town. And he wouldn’t get anywhere very quickly if he just tried forcing his way through every one of them. Especially not if he ended up as calories himself; forced into a tight gullet as fuel for the next hunt.

He thumbed through his files as his pulse settled again, crossing off a few of the recent vendors he’d spoken to, and looking over the rest to refresh himself and decide on his next move.

Meanwhile, Tammy felt her pulse settling too, soaking up some fresh nutrients from her gurgling belly as it passed by. She was absolutely furious at that crazy human… but… maybe also felt just a twinge guilty? After all, wishing her charge would get eaten wasn’t the kind of thing a bodyguard should do. Certainly not the kind of bodyguard she dreamed of being…

Maybe… maybe I should- Wait-

Her moment of reflection was shattered when she noticed her human on the move. He wasn’t sitting anymore, like he’d been a moment ago, he was walking. And straight toward a lion man, carrying an animal multiple times his own weight over his shoulders.

Her rage reignited in an instant.

Five minutes! FIVE MINUTES! He couldn’t just sit still and let me take a break for FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!?

“HEY!” the naga called from across the wood.

Doyle paused and looked back, an inquisitive brow the only departure from a neutral expression.

“You can tell when I’m being serious, right!? Well you’re not worth fighting a lion over, no matter what ‘Mr. Tishon’ says. I told you to stay put! You go and piss this guy off anyway and I’m letting him have you! You got that!?”

The collared human paused there in thought for a moment. He glanced to the lumbering neko, now peeking in their direction. Doyle looked back at Tammy, straight into her eyes, said nothing, and then turned to continue walking.

The naga rattled her tail angrily and scoffed, then slithered after him, if only in the hopes of watching his end with a better view. He approached the hunter, now laying his most recent kill on the ground, and spoke up with his usual directness.

“Excuse me, sir, I need to ask you a few questions about the food you sell.” Doyle watched the predator stretch, dusting off his mane as he took in the view of this collared human and his unhappy bodyguard. The disdain in the feline’s face wasn’t hard to pick up on.

“Buzz off,” went the cat as he turned his back.

“I’m the personal assistant to Councilman Tishon, and I have questions for you.”

His ears perked up and he turned back around.

“You? You’re an assistant to the Council?”

“Yes. And I have questions about the quality of your meat.”

“Quality? What, like how fresh it is? Just take a look.” The lion gestured to his latest catch. “I make kills like that basically every day, every hour sometimes,” he bragged.

“Do you leave them out like this long?”

“Of course not! Only when annoying people like you interrupt me.”

“I didn’t start talking to you until after you put down your kill,” Doyle mentioned flatly.

“Yeah, and I was about to drag it inside,” the neko growled, gesturing emphatically toward the entrance to his meat house.

“Right, we’ll get to inside. First, tell me about how you hunt. Is it difficult for you to catch so much yourself?”

“Difficult? What’s that supposed to mean?! I can keep up just fine!” he insisted. “‘How I hunt?’ Pfft. I find prey and I kill them,” came his blunt explanation. “And I kill them all. Any animal big enough to fill a predator’s belly. Every single one I find out there. Because nothing gets away from a real predator.”

He shot a look at the watching naga.

It’s not like I want to let him get away, she thought bitterly in response.

“You take pride in your hunting,” observed the human offhand, pressing on without missing a beat.

“Well I was in the advanced predator class before I graduated.”

“And the people who don’t hunt for themselves? The ones eating your food?”

“What can I say? Some predators are better hunters than others. If a bird or a canine needs some help filling their belly on an off day, I’m happy to provide.”

“I was talking about the humans. The ones getting sick from eating the tainted meat you sell.”

Tammy’s eyes went wide. Leading questions and careless implications were one thing, but that was-

“Doyle!” the naga scolded, charging over. “What is wrong with you!? You can’t just accuse him like that!”

“‘Tainted?’” The neko chuckled sarcastically. Spitefully. “Listen, shit stain. There is nothing wrong with how I hunt. Anyone with any business eating my catches enjoys them just fine. If your kind don’t have the stomach for them, maybe you should remember your place on the food chain. Now get the fuck out of here before I remind you personally.”

“So you really do it on purpose then,” the human remarked. It sounded almost flat, but there was an undertone of something in there. Disappointment, and maybe even a spark of something more. “Do you add something in? No, that would be more work. You’d be lazier than that.”

“Excuse me!?”

“You said you kill everything. That means even the sick animals, doesn’t it?”

“Hunting sick prey has been a tradition for generations! It’s-”

“Selling the meat of sick animals is illegal, though,” Doyle interrupted, staring the lion down as he began to loom larger. “As is eating a protected human,” he reminded.

“‘Protected?’ Hah! You think anyone is actually going to protect you? You think you’re worth protecting?” He sneered down at the meddling human. “We all know she’s not gonna bother,” he declared, with a claw pointed toward the stunned naga. “She even said it herself! Not worth fighting for. Not worth anything. In fact, I bet that ‘bodyguard’ of yours has been wishing she could gulp down your little body herself. Because the truth is: that’s the only thing you are good for. That’s what all you humans are good for. Prey. For Predators! Now you better start begging and apologizing, cause I want to hear you through my throat while you go down!”

“You… you are so pathetic…” Doyle muttered, staring the angry lion dead in the eyes.

Those feline eyes widened as claws flexed divots into the dirt.

“…What did you just say? What the FUCK did you just say to me you little snack!? You-!”

“I SAID YOU’RE FUCKING PATHETIC!” Doyle exploded suddenly. “You’re so insecure as a predator that you can’t bear the thought of humans having any value, can you?! The idea that humans can earn protection!? The idea that they deserve to eat any of the food you catch!? Never! Predators are all so much better, right!? She’s so much better! You’re so much better! It’s written all over your fucking face!”

Without much more than a breath of pause, Doyle reached back and whipped out the files he’d brought with him, opening right to the last one he’d been reading.

“Well, let’s see what’s written here, ‘Mr. Taka’. Tried to become a cop? Failed out of the academy! Tried to be a reporter? Fired after a week! Tried to be a salesman? Kicked out of the apprenticeship! Oh, but hunting- hunting. You were so good at catching kids in high school, weren’t you? You’re a predator! An ‘advanced predator’! Even if you were only in that class for a couple months and all your other grades were garbage. Hunting is what you’re supposed to be good at, right!? That’s what makes you so much better than us humans, yeah!? Except you really can’t even do that too well, can you!? Because you have to resort to catching sick prey just to keep up, while everyone else is playing by the rules!

“But you’re stuck here, because without this job, what would you have? You can’t be so useless that you have no job, right? Because humans have jobs! And you can’t be worse than them! But the thought is there, and it terrifies you! You’re terrified that you’re actually the one who’s worthless! Worse than all those humans you’ve eaten. Every human you see, all day long, just makes you feel that much less secure, doesn’t it!? To the point where all you can do is secretly poison them like a coward to eke out just a hint of superiority! To the point where you’d just stand there and let me scream in your face! Because you know that I’m right! And the fact leaves you completely paralyzed in fear! Desperately trying to deny the reality that you ARE UTTERLY PATHETIC!”

*pant* *pant* *pant*

The lion’s face was frozen, shifting slowly like a contorted glacier as heavy thoughts ground together. Doyle stared him down for a few long seconds, until the anger started to finally drain, replaced by an almost somber expression. He turned his back to the neko and looked straight into Tammy.

“Now you know why all the humans are getting sick. You can tell Mr. Tishon.”

The naga had just enough time for her utter shock to begin transforming into confusion, before a loud roar completely shredded the tense silence.

“DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME YOU LITTLE-!!”

…

A fraction of Doyle’s senses returned, having fled his body for a moment in mortal terror. His heart was thundering in his ears. His arms and chest were pressed tightly together by firm, powerful muscle. The muscle of a predator’s body. A memory he couldn’t remember forming told him his ears had just heard a scream, and his eyes had just seen Tammy move.

Tammy.

It wasn’t a gullet he was wrapped in. It was her scales. Coiled in walls around his standing form.

The scream. It had been the lion’s. Mr. Taka. His words had ended abruptly in a horrible cry.

Doyle felt movement from the coils, and heard something shift behind him. There was a loud thud; the sound an entire person made against the ground. And then the living bindings around him loosened.

Heart still pounding and lungs still racing, Doyle turned around to face the scene.

Tammy was staring at it too, almost as surprised, feeling her fangs settle back into her maw as she tasted the traces of lion on them.

“…I …I didn’t think you’d save me,” he muttered weakly.

“I…” was all she could muster in reply. She sure hadn’t been planning on it. In fact she’d been eager to see that cat pounce, but then… It had all changed so fast.

Realizing Doyle had actually led them straight to what they’d been searching for, despite her constant doubts. Hearing herself in that lion’s words, realizing where her thoughts had been taking her all this time, and then… Watching that little human completely eviscerate that sorry excuse for a predator. Peeling right back to the bigoted loser underneath it all. Decimating him and daring him to bite back. Even when he knew she wouldn’t be coming to save him. Because he saw the bullshit and just couldn’t stand it. Because he was determined to do something about it. Because he gave a fuck and he had a job to do, even if it cost him his life.

“I…” Tammy muttered again, no closer to a coherent response.

“Ugh… you… venomous… bitch…” groaned the neko on the ground.

She glared down at the feline with disdain, but then… something in her expression changed. And with only another moment’s thought and not a single other word, the coiled snake pounced.

*NOMF*

While Doyle had seen it coming, his mind was still slow to catch up to his eyes, and surprise still took him. The scaly walls tightened around him once more as the snake stretched for her prey, releasing gradually as she reeled the cat back toward them and began to swallow.

*GULP*

*GULP*

Another predator didn’t usually make for very easy prey. But being a rattlesnake, Tammy was uniquely equipped. The bite she had delivered, though out of reflex at the time, had quickly taken the fight out of her feline peer thanks to her venom. Ironically, it left him much more feeble than any of her usual human meals.

*GULP*

*GULP*

Doyle watched with riveted eyes as the bulge steadily crept along the coils surrounding him. Passing from the naga’s humanoid belly into her long, serpentine tail.

*SQUELCH*

The twitching neko ran headfirst into the still-digesting remains of Clint Eries, Yesterday’s human breakfast. Doyle could hear the sound as the pair collided, rolling waves of peristalsis pushing the fresh bulge deeper, deforming the old one to make room.

*crack* *crunch* *shlorp*

*GULP*

It wasn’t quite as personal a demonstration as she’d given him that morning, but it was still quite a vivid reminder of just what her body would have done to him had he continued on down that fleshy tunnel. But he hadn’t. Not back in high school, nor back at the park. And now… now she was saving his life by taking his attacker’s.

*GULP*

*guuurgle* *squelp*

Tammy scowled slightly at the odd taste of predator fur as it left her mouth, departing into her depths. And for the first time, she fully became aware of her human’s position, now that she felt the edges of her bulge start rubbing against him on the way down.

“Oh, um,” she muttered, finally unwrapping herself to give everyone some personal space. Well, everyone who wasn’t her food.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, sorry,” the naga offered awkwardly.

“No, thank you, for what you just did for me.”

“I…” she muttered for a third time. But seeing him looking at her now, she forced out a full reply. “For you? I was just doing my job.” She glanced away.

“You ate another predator.”

“I-I didn’t do that for you!” she insisted, tail flicking momentarily.

Doyle’s eyes shifted a touch, and the naga knew lying to him wouldn’t be as easy as lying to herself.

“Well not just for you,” she amended. “This guy was insulting me too, you know! I mean, I’m a bodyguard, the whole reason I’m here is because I think there are special humans who are worth guarding.” She said the words almost like a promise to herself. To never end up like the lion now packed inside her scales. “He was basically calling me and my whole career useless and stupid.”

“Just another thing he was very wrong about,” the human remarked. There was a touch of levity in his voice now. A smile growing on his face as the significance of the naga’s settled bulge fully sank in. It was over. “Just as well; predators like him make the world a worse place for everyone.”

But Tammy’s frown persisted.

“…He’s… not the only predator who’s been kinda wrong…” she admitted. “I couldn’t see it before, but… I’m starting to get why Mr. Tishon made his choice. I think maybe there is something sort of special about you after all. …Sorry I gave you such a hard time.”

“And tried to eat me.”

“Yeah.”

“Multiple times.”

“Hey! I’m apologizing here!” the naga rattled. Doyle chuckled, maintaining his firm eye contact as usual.

“Apology accepted, Tammy.” The air calmed as the words hung for a moment, but before that moment could end, he added a touch more. “…Honestly, though, I’m not sure you were really that wrong at all. I wasn’t really sure about me either… I mean, I don’t feel like I deserve to be protected more than any other human. Actually, I don’t think most protected humans feel that way. I think we all know we just got a little lucky. Lucky we had the right skill in the right place at the right time. …Maybe the only thing that makes us stand out is that we’re all just trying to live up to our luck and work hard to make it count while we can. To do our best.”

The air went quiet again. Contemplative.

“…Eh, I guess that’s special enough for me,” Tammy replied with a shrug and an accepting smirk. “Alright, come on, let’s get back home already. We’re done here, right?”

“Yeah, we’re done,” Doyle replied with a smile. His first assignment as a politician’s protected assistant, and he’d succeeded. “But not home,” he added.

“Ugh, what now?” Tammy asked. ‘Special’ or not, she’d gotten really sick of this guy dragging her all over town. Now that they were done and she had two big lumps in her belly to lug around, she’d really been hoping-

“Wouldn’t you rather go to the park? I thought naga like sunbathing after eating? I can write up the reports there just as well as at home.”

“Oh… um, yeah, thanks. That sounds great, actually.”

Doyle smiled and nodded and started to walk, and Tammy slithered along beside him, stomach already grumbling happily around her pair of meals as she imagined laying back in the warm light and letting them both digest.

“Heh,” she muttered, half laughing.

“Hm?” asked her human.

“Well, that lion was annoyed he was feeding humans instead of just predators, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Well, he’s only feeding a predator now!” she pointed out. “You think he’s finally happy?”

*glorsh* went her gut, as it rocked in protest.

“No,” Doyle said flatly.

“I don’t know, I think your read might be wrong on this one,” Tammy teased. “He sounds pretty happy to me.”

*guurgle*

Originally Published: 20-Jun-2026