# HNTBL 90: Take a Joke

By: TheDragonBoy

## Content

How Not To Become Lunch: 90 - Take a Joke

“The rarity of human essentia naturally limits the creation of the most powerful potions. The two main sources are prisoner executions, which is historically how most of the ingredient was sourced, and mage-predators like myself, who use the spell for their hunts and keep some leftover.” Ms. Caster paused, noting a raised hand from one of her students. “Yes, Glinda?”

“I thought mages used to get human essentia from winning duels?” the girl asked. “I think my history teacher mentioned it.”

“*sigh* That was one other source, yes, but it fell off. Probably around the time dueling was outlawed.”

“Oh, right.” The student looked slightly embarrassed, and the teacher continued with her lesson.

“Most of the potions that require the ingredient aren’t of much use anymore. They were mostly developed for war. But there are still a few that are quite useful, and it will often be added in trace amounts to very high-end potions to augment their effects.”

*RING*

“That’s all for now,” Ms. Caster concluded. “Have a good lunch. I’ll see the survivors tomorrow for our lesson on potency and duration.”

All around the classroom, children rose in waves and headed strategically for the door, wands at the ready as they spilled out toward the cafeteria.

Jack watched them pass him by, still seated at his desk. With most everyone else forming their safety groups and hoping to move quickly so as to avoid running into any hungry predators, the marked boy found they hardly paid him much mind. Even the mage preds in class typically left him be, since he always watched for them, and they knew there were easier prey to be caught unawares in the freshly filling halls. Lacking another mage who would risk spending a single minute of lunchtime next to him, he knew from his own experience that he was better off waiting for Fiona to show up after her class so they could walk together.

Still, watching everyone else, he did kind of wish that someday he might be able to make at least a few friends who would-

“Hey, Jack.”

“Oh, Arin!” the marked boy replied, slightly startled but mostly pleased. “Sorry, I was watching for mage preds.”

“Definitely a smart idea,” his classmate replied in strong agreement.

Even though the kid was being polite, he still carried that hint of urgency in his voice; that audible acknowledgment of knowing that every second he spent standing around class with a marked prey was an extra second of compounding danger. Still, the boy had a question on his mind he wanted answered.

“How did things go with the potion?” Arin asked. Jack could see the hint of pride and joy in the little smile that accompanied the question. He immediately thought back over all the time they’d spent the other night brewing and testing together.

“It worked great,” Jack replied, returning the smile. “He made it through A.P.E. and Fiona said he seemed calmer.”

“That’s great!” the other mage said, nodding happily. “Glad I could help.”

“Yeah, thanks. I couldn’t have figured it out without you.”

“Good to hear it was all worth it.” His smile instantly faltered, though, feeling the time slipping by. “I have to get going. See you later.” And without wasting another second, Arin was off at a quick pace, catching up with the crowd.

“See ya,” Jack called, holding his smile. The kid was a little weird and a little rude, but he was nice.

The rest of the class filtered out, teacher included, without anyone saying another word to him. And a few minutes after that, he saw a familiar muzzle poke through the classroom door.

“Hey Jack,” Fiona called, with that familiar hint of relief in seeing her friend still alive. “How was class?”

“Pretty good. Today was one of the ones where Ms. Caster actually didn’t try to eat me.”

“Great! You think she’s lightening up on you?”

“No, but it’s nice to have a break.”

The unusual pair chatted idly as they walked the halls, carefully sidestepping any hungry gazes as they made their way to the cafeteria. Jack casually asked his friend if she was planning to hunt for her lunch today, to which she answered that she didn’t particularly feel like it.

They laughed together at a playful joke about her ‘laziness’ as they both found the end of the lunch line. A few human kids eyed the waiting werewolf warily, even as Jack did the same to the other predators nearby in the queue. But it was hard for him to feel too worried with Fiona right next to him, even as the other bellies around him started to gurgle louder at his presence.

“Hey,” came a familiar voice. It brought Jack’s attention away from predators that surrounded him, and onto another predator who was casually walking over. Fiona had already seen her classmate coming and was already smiling.

“Hey Mort,” the werewolf greeted.

“You two wanna sit with us today?” the toad offered, sounding friendly.

“You feel up for it?” Fiona asked, turning to Jack. The question was casual and pressure-less. She knew even though her new friends had proven trustworthy so far- well, since the incident at least- that it could still be a bit stressful for him. This time, though, he thought for a moment and then smiled back.

“Yeah, sure,” Jack decided. Today had been relatively light so far, and he felt up to making the effort. It would be good to spend a bit more time with Fiona’s friends.

“Cool,” she replied with a warm smile, then casually added offhand, “I’ve got something I’ve been meaning to ask anyway.”

So once they both filled their trays with lunch, the two of them walked together through the predator’s side of the cafeteria, carefully making their way to the advanced class’ table. All the familiar faces were already there (excluding one particular canine, of course); the wolf-human pair were the last to arrive, since no one else needed to make a detour before lunch to pick up their marked friend from his class.

“Hi Fiona! Hi Jack!” called Udon as she saw them approaching. The naga slithered out slightly to greet them, wearing a warm smile.

“Hey,” Fiona called back.

Jack replied with just a smile, quietly glancing at the shifting scales. Chelsie, Mort and Pyre all sat together on the other side of the table, but the rather large anaconda easily covered three seats herself. It seemed she’d been intentionally saving them, though; she was already shifting her coils away to make room, even as she was beckoning the pair closer.

Fiona took the first spot, inadvertently leaving Jack the seat between her and the naga. He sat down as calmly as he could, setting his tray on the table with everyone else’s.

Udon offered him another smile, and openly shifted her coils to rest on the floor behind his back, partially encircling him. Maybe it had been a protective gesture? Like it was supposed to be encouraging for the vulnerable, marked boy to have that wall of scales guarding from the rear? And it almost might have been, except that Jack couldn’t help but notice the rather large lump in the serpentine tail, which gurgled loudly as it slid into position.

He swallowed and took a breath, checking to make sure he was still smiling. Then he glanced over the others across from him. Chelsie was already watching him, silent except for the quiet clack of a fork against her plate, where she idly played with some tiny scrap of food without looking. Mort quickly tongued the last of something- Jack couldn’t catch what- off his tray and swallowed it audibly, seeming completely casual. Pyre had a neutral if slightly sour expression, glancing off somewhere else. His plate was long empty.

They all seemed pretty comfortable with him being around, for the most part. No big deal. In a way they didn’t seem that different from when he’d first met them; just casually doing their thing. Of course, back then they’d all been subtly urging Fiona to ditch him or devour him. And he’d charged over to this very table, wand drawn, and blasted-

“You know we’re good, right?”

Several eyes shifted to Chelsie, along with various looks of surprise. The almost overly casual and direct remark took everyone a bit off guard, but Jack most of all, considering she’d been staring right at him when she said it, and was still doing so now.

“U-uh, yeah, sorry,” he stuttered in reply, chuckling lightly at his own nerves. It was sort of silly to worry; it’s not like this was the first time they’d all been back together. Udon gave him a sympathetic sort of look from one side. From the other, Fiona finished gulping down the slab of meat she’d started on and offered a supportive glance- only mildly undermined by the sound of that last mouthful landing in her stomach.

“Eh, can’t say I blame you,” Mort remarked. “I mean, it’s gotta take some serious guts for you to come sit with us, right?”

“Sometimes, yeah,” Jack admitted, shrugging off the awkward. “But, I mean… as long as you guys feel like I have enough guts and you don’t need to show me yours…” It was a rough joke, and he half-cringed at it himself. But it was just bad enough to land.

“Pfff, ha! Nice one, Jack,” the toad laughed. Udon chuckled along, as did the marked boy himself after a moment.

“Come on,” Mort muttered quietly, seeing his scaly red friend roll his eyes, “lighten up a little.” Pyre almost just kept quiet, but happened to get an idea.

“Don’t worry,” the dragon boy said, joining in with a single chuckle, “Fiona already covered that, right?”

Jack stopped laughing, and his eyes shifted in his werewolf friend’s direction, though he kept his head still. She glanced at him just as awkwardly.

…*swat*

“Hey!” Pyre protested, feeling the light sting of Udon’s tail, snaking all the way around the table just to flick scoldingly at his scales.

“Come on, Pyre,” the naga urged sympathetically. “You know she feels guilty about that.”

“Nice one,” Mort chimed in, sarcastically this time. He was still smirking, but now it was his turn to roll his eyes.

“Whatever,” the dragon grumbled, but Jack quickly jumped back in.

“No, no, it’s fine. I did kinda walk right into that one,” the marked boy admitted. “Sorry,” he added with a particular glance toward Fiona.

“If we could all just… not make jokes about Jack getting eaten?” the werewolf requested. “I have to worry about the real thing enough.”

“Oh, YOU do?”

For a split second, on hearing Jack’s voice, Fiona realized her incredible faux pas. As if she had to worry about that more than Jack himself, who had made the original joke in the first place! But the second she saw his face she was relieved. He was wearing a big, playful, teasing grin, looking right at her with a raised eyebrow. She rubbed the back of her neck as her fur lowered back into place.

“Sorry,” she muttered with an embarrassed giggle. But it was clear he didn’t hold it against her. He knew what she’d meant, and after all it meant a lot to him that she did worry so much, even though he wished he could make things easier for her.

“Humor is just another defense against the universe,” Chelsie said flatly.

“Yeah, I mean,” Mort reeled in his tone for a moment to show that he was actually being sincere with this, “you might even feel better if you let yourself joke about it at least a little.”

“At least you know nobody here would try to actually eat him, right?” Udon added in an attempt to be reassuring.

Even though the naga was talking to Fiona, Jack still felt better hearing her say it. Of course, he’d been there when they’d all agreed to leave him off the lunch menu, but still.

“That’s true…” the werewolf admitted, a touch of appreciation in her voice. “Thanks, guys.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Jack seconded with a smile.

“… Well, I’m pretty sure most of us wouldn’t. Someone hasn’t stopped drooling since you two showed up,” Mort jabbed comically.

“Well what do you expect!?” Pyre shot back. “We’ve got a marked kid sitting at our lunch table, and all we’ve talked about is eating him!”

“Pyre has a point,” Chelsie agreed.

“Yes! See? Thank you,” the dragon huffed.

“You should pick a new topic to talk to Jack about,” she added after a pause, finally nibbling the last bit of her lunch off her fork with a casual gulp.

“What? Why me?”

“Well…” Udon chimed in, searching for the softest words. “You do usually seem like the most uncomfortable one whenever Jack’s around.”

“Yeah, you stopped talking the minute you noticed he was walking over with Fiona,” Mort agreed.

“Pft, I can be around him just fine, why would I have to ‘talk’ to him? I said I’d leave the human alone, not be his best friend.”

“Um-” Jack muttered, starting to feel a little awkward.

“He’s already got one of those,” Fiona replied with a hint of pride. “But you could be a little more friendly, couldn’t you?” she asked rather gently, following the naga’s lead.

“It will be easier for you if you get to know him,” Chelsie advised matter-of-factly.

“Easy-? Oh, like you’ve gotten so close with him,” the dragon scoffed.

“I spent a whole night with him at Sarabeth’s sleepover,” the cat replied. The contrast between her casual, even voice and his half-growl retorts was almost comical.

“Oh yeah,” Fiona recalled. “That made things easier between you and Chelsie, didn’t it Jack? Getting to spend some time together?”

“Well, yeah, actually,” the marked boy admitted. Thinking back, the neko now seemed a lot less terrifying than she used to. Or, well, a different, less intense sort of terrifying, even though she’d shown him things he wouldn’t soon be able to forget…

“Wouldn’t you like it if you and Pyre were like that too?” the friendly werewolf asked. Jack looked over at the scowling dragon; somehow that seemed like a much bigger ask. But he did have to admit…

“S-sure. I mean, it would be nice.”

“Well that settles it, then,” Mort hopped in. “Pyre and Jack should go spend some time together. Go walk down the hall and back or something.”

“What!?” the dragon balked.

“That’s… not the worst idea,” Fiona agreed. “I mean, it might be a bit dangerous in the middle of lunch, but…”

“Oh, I’m sure Pyre could protect him,” Udon assured.

“Seriously!?” came another objection, but the naga kept talking, ignoring his opinion along with everyone else.

“It sounds like it would be a great chance for them to actually have a conversation. Get to know each other like Chelsie said.”

“True,” Fiona agreed, “and I guess I could always come running if they’re gone too long…”

“Oh, come on,” the dragon grumbled.

“Ha! This is gonna be good,” came his amphibious friend.

“Mort, you go with them too, just in case,” instructed the werewolf.

“Oh yeah, no way I’m missing this,” the toad agreed, hopping out of his seat and tugging on Pyre’s arm to get him up as well. It was then that someone finally turned to Jack and actually bothered to ask him, that someone of course being Fiona.

“What do ya say, Jack? I think it would be good for you two. Worth a try?”

“Well…” He looked at the other two preds, already standing and waiting, then back at his friend’s happy, hopeful eyes and encouraging smile. I can probably trust Mort, at least for a while. And she is close by. I’m not crazy about Pyre, but it would be nice if we could get along at least a little better. He is one of Fiona’s friends, after all. She tries to get along with mine, right? “…Sure, why not, I guess,” he finally agreed, reluctantly standing himself. He turned to step away from the table, but had to pause for Udon to move her distinctly human-filled tail out of the way.

Clearly a bit uneasy, he walked over to the other boys and flashed a nervous smile, stopping at Pyre’s side, where he glanced back briefly toward Fiona and his little sanctuary of a cafeteria seat.

*gurgle*

Jack couldn’t help taking a breath, the wet squelch sounding hungrily so nearby. His eyes instinctively followed the noise to Pyre’s scaly belly; his heart beat involuntarily quicker.

“You’re gonna chicken out now?” the dragon asked with an aggravated grunt.

The rough tone caught Jack’s attention sharply, pulling his eyes upwards, and he must have flinched slightly- or at least that’s what it must have looked like- because the scaly predator seemed to take an instinctive cue to advance.

“What?” Pyre asked rhetorically, shifting to fully face the marked human and placing a heavy, clawed hand on his shoulder. “You worried I’m gonna have you for lunch?” His words weren’t teasing so much as they were annoyed. Annoyed that he was being pushed into this, annoyed at holding himself back, annoyed at his friends for not believing he could, annoyed at everything. He put his other hand on Jack’s other shoulder, fully gripping the boy now. “You worried you’ll end up seeing this!?”

Jack couldn’t help gasping, eyes widening sharply, as he saw the red-scaled snout suddenly jerk toward him. The draconic jaws parted into a huge, hungry gape, and from beyond came forth Pyre’s glowing, orange maw. Flexing muscle and glistening drool gleamed behind rows of pointed teeth, all ablaze with his inner light, radiating from every fiber and form like a living fire. Jack could feel its heat, wafting over him on the dragon’s breath, and see its light revealing every detail along the length of the arching tongue and up and down every inch of visible flesh. The marked human could see clear back into the depths of the predator’s throat, parting wider, ready and eager to wrap around him right now and swallow up this bothersome human pest into a nice, taut bulge. It loomed closer, and closer, casting even the periphery of Jack’s vision into the orange glow-

*clack*!

Pyre twisted his head to the side and snapped his jaws shut, his mashing teeth clicking in Jack’s ear. There was a rather tense moment around the table, amidst the noisy background chatter of the lunchroom. The marked boy felt his pounding heartbeat as it started to slowly come back down.

A certain toad made a deliberate fake cough.

Pyre looked his way, and found his friend wearing an almost-nervous smirk, brow raised high in a knowing, semi-teasing expression. The dragon quickly glanced over the table. Everyone was staring at him intently. Fiona had her claws digging into the tabletop, body tense and barely still sitting. She was the worst of them, but no one looked quite relaxed.

“What? You know I wasn’t gonna do anything!” Pyre complained. “It was just a joke. Give me a break!”

The momentary tension started to fade as everyone took a collective breath, Jack included.

“Yeah, right,” Mort said, holding his mildly condescending gaze. “You’re not gonna be able to keep your muzzle off him, are you? Better grab someone quick while we’re out there before I have to pry Fiona off you.” The dragon grumbled and rolled his eyes, but didn’t refute anything.

“Yeah, yeah, fine. I’ll get more lunch on the way. Let’s just get this over with.” He turned and started to walk off.

What in the world have I gotten myself into? Jack asked himself as the feeling returned to his limbs, just in time to start after the dragon who definitely hadn’t almost nommed him.

“Hey Pyre, Mort?” It was Fiona’s voice calling.

They both paused so they could turn back to look at her again. She was smiling now; a small, friendly, trusting smile. But there was something underneath it. You could see it in her eyes; hear it in the tone of her voice. She spoke her next words calmly and pleasantly, but with a subtle, fang-sharp edge that cut almost as cleanly as if they’d been spoken by Chelsie.

“If anything happens to Jack, I will change your lives.”

The air hung heavy and silent for a split second, just long enough for her point to sink in.

“Okay boys, have fun!” The wolf’s smile widened and she waved, shifting her gaze to Jack after a moment to give an encouraging nod.

Jack nodded back, took another calming breath, tried to clear the afterimage of orange from his mind, and stepped on after the two leading predators.

Originally Published: 24-Nov-2025